My nephew’s birthday is in less than 20 days. And I still haven’t picked out his gift. This isn’t my typical M.O. Usually, I already have his gift stashed away in the back of my closet with junk piled on top and around it. Because a toy: that’s strategically located at the bottom of a … Read moreChainsaw Vowel Repetition
The skin on my right upper arm itches today. And I want to scratch it. Like a cat scratches a door jamb, forcefully pulling down to sharpen its wolverine-esque claws. (Putting packing tape on a door jamb as a solution to this problem is neither attractive nor effective. Trust me.) Like a DJ scratches their … Read morePotassium Backstory and Tattoos
As I was writing this post, I felt like I was being watched. But not by my dogs. I lined my fingers up in the ASDF JKL; position on my PC keyboard. (Because I think I can still type like I’m in middle school computer class.) I formulated my thoughts into one coherent message. (No … Read moreThis Is Why Coherent Ravens
Sometimes cringeworthy outcomes bring me uninhibited joy. And that uninhibited joy is always self-indulgent. Because self-indulgent is my version of self-care. If it brings me pleasure, then I’m doing it. No ifs, ands, or dog butts about it. Right now, that pleasure is taking pictures of my dogs catching treats. And laughing at our epic … Read moreCringeworthy Outcomes and Word Connectors
I can’t whistle anymore. And according to an informal Facebook poll, neither can about 60% of other people. It’s not that I never knew how to whistle. It’s because I lost that ability. Over the years, I’ve lost other abilities too like: Walking. (Totally overrated.) Because Cleopatra on her litter ain’t got nothin’ on me. … Read moreBecause Whistling
The Kentucky Derby was Saturday. And I always get a little emotional about horse racing. (Catastrophes happen. I don’t cry. But when the horses’ cross that finish line, my eyes water like I peeled onions.) Because I’m a horse lady from back in the day. Circa 1987. Picture 4-year-old me putting a harness on a … Read moreThe Kentucky Derby and Conjunctions
On the list of products that excite me… adhesive remover was NOT one. Until yesterday. I have a used van I bought from a local transportation company last October. It’s a high-top conversion van with a lift — that’s fancy speak for: I can ride in my wheelchair without hitting my head on the van’s … Read moreBertha’s Age Spots and Nostalgia
I don’t always dream. But when I do, it gets weird. On Monday at 1:36 am, a microburst slammed my town like a hammer hitting a nail. Trees and powerlines cascaded like dominos along the streets, bricks tumbled off the side of the fire station so methodically it actually looked like it was being rebuilt, … Read moreWeird Dreams and Magical One-Liners
Now, this is a story all about how my life f̶l̶i̶p̶p̶e̶d̶-̶t̶u̶r̶n̶e̶d̶ ̶u̶p̶s̶i̶d̶e̶ ̶d̶o̶w̶n̶ became an episode of The Maury Povich Show. Remember 2 months ago… When I told you that my new neurologist removed my muscular dystrophy diagnosis? Said he suspected I have a new disease called centronuclear myopathy (CNM)? And swabbed my mouth for … Read moreResting Bitch Face And Emojis
Let me set the mood for you… Ginger and I were out strolling around the neighborhood. (And by strolling I mean… Ginger was trying to drag my 350 lbs wheelchair in 12 different directions.) It was a mild, breezy day — A kind of spring thaw day when all you smell is mud and all … Read moreZombie Grammar and Connecting With Your Readers
